I find myself flip-flopping quite often on the subject of my college experience so far. This is going to be an angsty, confused post, so get the fuck over it; right now, I don't have a physical journal, so this is going to have to do.

I imagined that college would be a fresh, new start. I imagined that I would jump into this experience balls-out, no reservations, but instead have discovered a regression in my behavior. And I'm so frustrated at myself for already digging a ditch to jump into.

I'm feeling less confident in myself than I ever have before, in more ways than once. First and foremost: I feel so uncomfortable in my body. I feel so fat, and because I feel like a walking pair-of-thighs with nothing to contribute, my ability to cope with my surroundings is bruised. Friends aren't coming as easily because I don't know how to put myself out there. I'm too busy being overly body-conscious to even THINK about making friends. The strangest part of this is that my confidence really varies from moment to moment. One minute I feel fine eating my Subway sandwich and the next I'm regretting every cookie I've ever eaten. It feels dangerous and it makes me worry; old habits die hard. I don't know. I suppose, I just thought that removing myself from my surroundings and virtually 'starting over' would give me an opportunity to get healthy again, and ultimately build a healthy relationship between my mind and my body. So far, it's been the opposite.

Also, I'm catching myself constantly second-guessing everything I say and every move I make. I am so fucking awkward because I just...don't know what to do with myself. This is applicable in so many ways, I don't even want to get into it.

God, I just don't know where I'm going with this. I guess my point is that I'm already confused in college. One minute I'm happy the next minute I'm sitting in the dark of my dorm in a depressed fog. One minute I'm proud of who I am and in the next every accomplishment is a joke. One second I'm pretty and the next I'm ugly as fuck. Average, then fat. Smart, then idiot. Worthy, then hopeless...you get the point.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP MYSELF ANYMORE.
I'M LOSING MYSELF. And I really don't want to...

i am a lonely soul.
i was thinking about some....things tonight.
and i feel my lonely feelings are somehow my fault.
lonely, lonely.
always have been, always will be.

what a sad, downer post.

no good feelings right now.

cryptic bad:
i can't fucking stand it anymore. i can't, i can't. I  CAN'T.

Not such a great day. I'll make this one short and, sweet.

Good:
Hearing from my future roommate. I sent her an email earlier today and received a response soon after. She sounds interesting so far; granted it is only our first interaction and it is email. But I have high hopes! I leave for college in two weeks.

Bad:
New medication that gives me serious stomach issues. I'll leave it at that and discard all the...gory details.

Oh well.

Good:
I get the best sleep ever at my sister's house. I don't know what it is - we both have the same mattress topper, and sharing a double bed with someone isn't usually comfy. But for whatever reason, when I'm at her house, I fall asleep and stay asleep. Last night, I went over to her granny flat (so cute!) to stay with her because she gets really lonely and she told me that I am her best friend. We watched The Usual Suspects (and both fell asleep during it) and woke up at 8:00. Then we ate some ice cream while watching Midnight Cowboy (note: this is a weird movie and I actually would not recommend it, to anyone). We proceeded to watch a few episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (thank you Andrew, I will return that soon) followed quickly by some of the best sleep I've had in ages. I love my sister; she always treats me so well when I go over there, like her favorite special guest.

Bad:
Sometimes when I'm talking about 'issues' with someone (in Today's case, gossip with my Mom and sister) I get really heated about it. Like, I'll actually start to get fired up about whatever we're talking about and feel rage surge through me. Strangely enough, this is a new phenomenon that has only occurred lately. Today the conversation ended with me saying, "oh my God, the next time I see _______, I swear I'm going to punch her in the face. I am actually picturing myself punching ________ in the nose and then smiling about it." So I guess I've been feeling excessively angry about something as of late, which is always bad. I should probably solve this issue soon.

:\

I am going to try something new. I'm going to post once a day (ideally, but unrealistic) and each post will contain one good thought, and one bad.

Here we go!

Good:
Hanging out with Evan, in general. Tonight we got 'adventurous' and strayed away from our usual sit-at-my-house-and-watch-Bravo routine. Instead we regressed (Freud!) and went to the Boardwalk and played sweet, sweet videogames. Afterward we went to Denny's (bowling was much too expensive...dammit) for a midnight snack (feast). As always, all events were accompanied by gossip, joking, and mindless chatter (my favorite). As usual, hanging out with Evan is good. I love Evan!

Bad:
Getting Tobasco in your eye is bad.
End of story.

:)

this is my life in pictures.

Hi, my name is _____________.

I've been __________ for a long time because ____________.
I'd love to ____________, but ______________.
I've never_________________.
I once _______________.
One thing I would want to change about myself, another, or the world is ________________, because _____________.
I'm happy with ____________, but unhappy with ____________.
I secretly _____________.
If I knew I would die tomorrow, I would _____________.
My greatest wish for myself is _____________.

I hate it when I realize how much I love theater, and how much I want to spend the rest of my life acting.
I hate it, hate it, hate it!

Being onstage energizes me like nothing else; when I'm acting, I'm having a good time no doubt. But it is so damn hard to make a living that way, and THATS why I hate the fact that it is my passion.

There, I said it.
I want to be an actress.
AGGHHH!


*Side note: I need to spend the rest of the summer doing what I planned - working, working-OUT, and having fun. Emphasis on working out, eep.

HELP ME TO STOP EATING SO MUCH!
ARRGGGLEEFLARRG

I can now truthfully say that I, Kayla Lauzier, am a high school graduate. And oh what a fabulously freeing feeling it is.

Initially, I thought that the commencement process wouldn't phase me at all, like in past years. What's another year gone by? I never felt older or more mature or more capable before. In fact, I still felt like a lanky little freshman up until yesterday. But now that it's officially said and done - I have the proof on paper - I actually feel different. I feel ready for college. I feel a renewed sense of 'can do' and 'get to it-ness' that I have missed these past few months. Most of all, I feel like its finally OK.

Me. I am OK. I don't need that sense of social approval that I craved; right now, I don't even feel that aching guilt that so often gave me headaches. Like Pinnochio restored, I feel that it is OK to take on life no strings attached.

This is a fabulous feeling.
I am feeling good, good like that Michael Buble song.

And now some things to think about this summer (I guess I could call them goals, but I never seem to reach the 'goals' I set for myself. I'll just call them 'projected possiblities'):
   
    1) Find the joy in everything. If these past two years have taught me anything, its that negativity is self inflicted. It only leads to unhappiness, which in turn leads to overeating, gained weight, bad decisions, dark rooms, streaked cheeks, and nothing getting done.

    2) Find balance. I can learn to be on good terms (or any terms at all would be nice) with all of my friends. I can learn how to go to parties and not get, like, totally hammered but still have a good time. And I can still hang with my underclassmen and have a great time. I can eat healthily and not feel trapped; likewise, I can indulge on occasion and not feel trapped. I can exercise and do yoga and feel proud and strong, or just go for a relaxing walk and still feel equally as active. I know there is a way to balance it all, but its just a matter of finding it.

    3) Don't hold back. I have less than three months to spend in San Diego before I move up to San Francisco (Sara? Taylor?) and I know that this will be the last moments I will get to spend with many of my friends for a long while, if not forever. I have promised to myself that I will not spend days on end at home, in my pajamas, eating and moping around. I've had eighteen years of that and need no more.

    4) Just be happy. Life is good, and I know so, somewhere inside.

I'm smiling.

Do you believe in God? I think religious people are generally happier than those who swear off the idea.

I don't necessarily think that there is a God, or believe many of the stories that the Bible tell, but I'm open to the idea of a greater force out there, somewhere.

I was at the Thibodeau's house tonight and they had two missionaries over for dinner. Afterward, as a polite gesture, one of the missionary boys read one of his favorite scriptures aloud. It was about happiness and how the world revolves around people learning to be happy from sorrowful experiences. Then they prayed, and I didn't join in. I just feel that maybe those who believe in God might feel like apart of something bigger, and therefore more comfortable and more happy.

Or maybe I'm just digging for excuses.

If there is one important thing I've learned this past year, its that everyday I am still discovering what kind of person I am. The days are unpredictable; every morning when I wake, I ask myself, "ok, is today going to be a good day? or what do you hate about yourself today? or why do you care so much? just do whatever!" It feels like these past few weeks especially have been a sort of internal battle between two paths, which sucks but I assume its pretty base for people my age.

But I do see unhappiness becoming a more common trend in my life. I think it's just part of who I am; I am never at rest, but instead constantly thinking of what I could do to improve or how I could change or where I could go. I don't like settling! I want to be the ideal me! But my mind (which wants the ideal) is up against my body (which doesn't give a flying fuck); and when my body is as tired and worn as it is right now, it is stubborn. Let me tell you.

So its rotten. Some days reflect the needs of my spirit, and some reflect the needs of my body. It is a contradiction that is causing me frustration and unrest! I am unhappy because I don't know what to do with myself!

BIG FAT HEAVY SIGH ELECTRONICALLY INSERTED HERE.


On a lighter note, prom was last night. It was pretty fun; it was cliche, but I think that sort of adds to the spirit of the whole event.

Ah, school is actually starting to wind down, for real this time.
No more Psych homework, just studying and such; Econ is a joke and we don't get homework anyway.

The only huge monumental thing that I have left to do is Blood Brothers, which opens NEXT THURSDAY. Oh, mah, GAH. I don't think we're ready, but do I ever? I would really really love to have a lot of my friends come to see it, because it is my last show at Helix and it truly is a kick-ass role. So, peeesh come see Blood Brothers!

But after that, ohhhhh man. I'm going to job hunt for the summer...and thats IT. All I have planned for this summer is work; no shows, no rehearsals, no study groups, nothing. It is going to be amazing to finally have some real ACTUAL free time, not pseudo-always-thinking-about-shit-I-have-to-do free time. Yay!

Ahhhhh. I feel so relieved.
All I need now is for someone to get me some butt!
HAHAHA
Shelby? I'm assigning you, because you know people.

Do you know that feeling, when something is absolutely beautiful, and nothing you or anyone could do could possibly make it any better because it's perfect? And all you can do is cry just a little bit, and you're not sure why.

Thats the best feeling.

Talk about inspiration! Oh my goodness. I just watched the Biggest Loser with my mom, and some of these people are absolutely amazing. They go through all of these weeks working to understand their emotional baggage in order to better themselves and to become happier people. I've never cried so much in my life! Maybe it's because my mom is in the middle of the same thing right now; she's lost 40s pounds! I'm very proud of her; she's looking happier and livelier these days.

Anyhow, this led me to pose a question: what have you done today to make you feel proud?
I, on one hand, won a $4,000 scholarship! Gahh, now I can go to college feeling a little less guilty.
: )
So tell me, what thing (big or small) are you proud of?

EDIT: My dad is getting double knee surgery today, wish him luck.

I've been reading a lot lately, and in doing so I've found that I'm very selfish. Or at least, I feel exceedingly so.

I'm in the middle of reading Into the Wild, which, as tragic (or spiritual, it depends on how you look at it) as Chris McCandless's story is, it has made me think about needs versus desires. Without trying to fall into that whole "I'm reading this really insightful book so now I'm going to live by it" trap, I've started to think about my own instincts and basic needs and whatnot. And I've found that I feel really guilty for most of the things I find "basic" in my daily life. I indulge (that's an understatement) too often - on food especially, money, friends, compliments - when I don't really need these things to excess, as I am so used to. What I need is enough to get by, and to live by my own guidelines, not society's. I guess basically I don't want to end up just like those people I've hated all my life: ignorant, wasteful, unobservant, greedy, and crass. Selfish.

I don't know. Maybe I'm thinking too much into this. It could just be a mood thing; you know, when the mood strikes, sometimes I just kind of word-vomit up all of my thoughts. But I think I'm serious about this one, about altering my ways. Maybe never to reach such extremes, but enough to make me feel like I am in control of my own destiny. Somehow.

Who knows. I'm just feeling a little lost just like Alexander Supertramp, amidst the snow and the trees and the rocks and rivers in Alaska.

MMmm, I should go to bed now.

Alright, I've sworn to post an update on my life thats not all angsty and mysterious and clouded, ahahaha.

I went to Kaiser the other day (worst health care EVER) to see my doctor about these crazy dizzy spells I've been having lately. I saw her and she asked me a bunch of questions, la la la, and I ended up having to get blood drawn. And they made me pee in a cup. I would think that with all of the advancements in technology, we could somehow avoid any event in which I could find myself peeing on my own hand in a public restroom. Anyhow, I got a call from my doctor two days ago (which is never good) and it turns out that I might have an underactive thyroid. Which actually makes a lot of sense, because I exhibit nearly all of the symptoms like excessive tiredness, sensitivity to cold, weight gain, trouble with concentration, blah blah. So I have to go in to Kaiser AGAIN in a couple of weeks to get more blood tests done and then we'll go from there. Yay.

Any how, I feel more stressed out than ever lately. It just seems like all of the sudden eight million different things are happening all at the same time and they are all detrimental to my success in life somehow. I've also started rehearsals for Blood Brothers and Airbands, so I have little time during the week for relaxation, which just stresses me out even more! I think that the stress that I feel is what is fucking with my body (on top of this possible health condition). I'm not getting enough sleep, which makes me cranky and tired. I've gained more weight that won't come off, which makes me feel sluggish. Which makes me angry. Which makes my friends and family frustrated, which makes me feel guilty! Ahhh! Everything just sucks right now! Bahhh!

So, it's late and I thought I was going to be able to write something cohesive, but its not working out too well.
At least it's not all shady and riddle-like, right?
Ahahahah!

I got asked to model in some 1920s themed show in May (surprised much?), and it made me feel good.
Call me  egotistical, but I needed a boost!
BAM, hahaha.